Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
