i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You've changed since you got that strap on
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
