well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I think my moral compass just broke
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize