The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
