If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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