Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
