I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
