Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
