I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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