she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
