I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize