I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize