Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
