I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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