I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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