Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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