Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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