It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
