Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I am available for nakedness
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
