he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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