Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
