I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
