I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
