Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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