I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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