DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We have so much sex to catch up on
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
