Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
