I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
