He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
