We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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