I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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