you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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