Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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