I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
