she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
