I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
