The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
