chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
