Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
