Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
