Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You are the jesus of drinking
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
