Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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