Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
