Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize