so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
