yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
