sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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