I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize