i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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