The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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