we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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