Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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