i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
