Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
