So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
