I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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