sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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