i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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